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The Extra
by Mike Roberts

August 8, 2002

Another chapter in my life closed.
"Love everyone, but keep them far from your soul".

I thought being with someone could help me and strengthen me, but it ended up just breaking me down. I did my best, thats all I can say. I tried, gave and trusted to the best of my ability, from the depths of my soul, and it wasn't good enough. I've realized that the relationships I have been in have caused more hurt than happiness, but man were those moments of happiness worth it. To all of you, I'll always try to remember the good, and forget the bad.

September 8, 2001

I still don't know why I have such a hard time telling my mother that I love her. I try.

The world is out there, and I'm here.

I'm now taking steps to further my life. I feel so old. I find myself telling other people how old I feel. "I'm going to be 25 and I feel like I'm nowhere." Great, I am a part of a group who made 2 great records, I'm proud of that, but look at where this has led me to. We're nowhere. I gave up my life for this. I may have sold my soul for it. I believe in it that much. I regret a lot of things I have done. I've caused so much hurt for my gain and I've gained nothing. This is how my soul was sold. A fear of death has slowly developed, and it is very persistent.

February 7, 2001

Today I realized that I haven't been treating my mother that well. Mothers don't want much from you. All mothers want is to talk. They want to know what's going on in your life, and I have kept my mom in the dark for so long. It all started when I reached 22. 22 is when I was able to identify which part of my emotion came from my Father, and what came from my Mother. And since this was a terrible time for me in my life, the feelings I was having and could identify with were horrible. Now when I felt my mom and dad in me, while I was self destructing, I could not be around them, because what they said or did, I felt and knew. I think it would help me if I was able to talk to her openly again. If I don't start now, I'm going to be sorry when she's gone. I never thought this was important, but it is. At my new age I realized that my family is one of the most important things to me in the world, in good or bad times. Remember, you're never too cool to talk to your mom. I'm lucky.

January 25, 2001

I completely let go last night. In the arms of someone I deeply hurt, some of the pain of the past has been released. Last night I sobbed. What a relief it was to cry for the first time in almost 2 years. Today I can feel the pain in my chest again. I can't believe the physical pain in my chest comes from such, such sorrow. I keep it so locked. I swear there is such an evil me inside that is just so cold. I'm trying so hard to identify with it. Once I get in that mode, I am such a cold person, but I'm trying.

August 16, 2000

I can almost listen to music again. It's not that I can't enjoy it now how it is, it's the level of how deep you can feel it. The reason all has to do with being able to cry, understanding the hurt you have and have caused other people. When you can cry, you can truely understand music. You reach a point in your life where your head is a cloud. In that cloud, you cannot feel. You cannot be happy or sad, and the happiness you do feel almost feels fake. I am currently in that cloud. I do not know why, or how to get out, but I can almost cry now. I can only tell because I feel music again...almost...to the fullest.

July 23, 2000 4:50am

I'm going to tell you something personal.  I break down in the shower.  I think about everything i've done wrong.  I ask for help.  I know what I have to do to make my life right, but I know I just can't do that because it's not me.  It's like the guy in Fight club.  The imaginary person he creates has the balls, looks, thought, and all the power he wants to have, but it's really him.  (I'm going to get deep here) I think about mankind and how sick I feel to be a part of the bad shit we do.  I think about how I see the devil at night and force him away.  I think about death, and if I died how incomplete I would be.  That brings me back to the beginning of this segment, and from there this paragraph goes in a circle every day when the warm water hits me.

June 28, 2000

Today I was witness to a terrible accident.  A 14 year old kid on a bike was hit by a truck and killed.  There's a bit of horror to it I assure you.  The kids head was no longer part of his body, neither were his brains, in fact, that's what you saw most of because they were spread about amongst the street.

March 16, 2000

I visit this website often, even though I write it, to check up on what the hell I'm talking about, and wonder if it's a good idea to be sharing my thoughts like this with thousands of people. Every time I do come back and read what I wrote, I feel good about it. I released my sorrows. I opened up. I simply don't care if anyone is laughing at me. This makes me feel better. It's odd. I can't talk or open up to my best friends like this, but writing this and posting it up in front of thousands of people is easier, which makes no sense. I guess it's so I don't feel so alone with my problems, but I really don't know. Today I am feeling very down, as usual for this 'extra' section. Today I am feeling that I am not leading a good life. I am greedy. I do more things to better myself rather than other people. I don't even know what I believe in. I have identified the problem, but I think this one is not going to be easy to fix. If there is a supernatural godlike being, and I had to judge myself at heavens gate tomorrow afternoon, I would probably put myself in hell. This is why I need to change. I want to be able to say that I led a good life. I still have time, I can turn it around, but I need a little help from you all. Be nice to people, be real, give to others, make your loved ones feel loved, and don't be fake. If you are laughing at what I write, you may have some turning around to do yourself.  For everyone I ever hurt, I'm sorry.  Maybe a good tune will come out of this.

Jan. 31, 2000 updated Feb. 17

Just wanted to let everyone know something cool....after 5 years of hard work in this band, we finally made it to #88 on the national CMJ college radio charts.

Jan. 13, 2000

Greed is what has caused my heart to grow raw.  Not my greed, that of those who will get what they want at my expense (I guess that's what greed is).  People in my life have caused my trust in just about everyone to fail.  I have changed against my will.  I am no longer a good person because I no longer can be, and that is due to all of my "friends" stabbing me over and over, sometimes in the chest.  I always set myself up for it too.  Most of you don't deserve my kindness, so don't expect me to just be nice anymore, because I have to protect myself first.  Just one more perfect example of why the new record has the name it does.  Now go gossip like 10 year olds, I don't want to hold you up, go go.

Nov. 24, 1999

My chest has a concrete foundation upon which to put bricks, or a support beam on which a house sits.  I have to learn to relax, but then if I did, would it change the way I work... I believe what makes me decent at what I do is my "unfortunate" passion for being a rude perfectionist.

ivet.com Y2K news... 

• My plans for 2000 include e-commerce, more flash integration (to utilize some of this new extra Pentium and Athlon juice that is so prominent these days :)
• I have lined up a few contributors for ivet.com to write about music and feelings behind it all...something to make this site a little more "real" than a plain band site, and reasons for people to come back often for new material.  Look for that to happen in Feb.
• If anyone has any ideas or suggestions for content on this site, please let me know.

The Matrix is just about the best movie I have ever seen.  I have not felt that way about a movie since Superman...j/k  I think I liked it so much because it is exactly what I am interested in, science fiction meets non-fiction if you let it.

Nov. 5, 1999

I learned 2 days ago that I have 6 true lifetime friends.

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